Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
America, if highly experimental, non-approved medication is what you want... get ready for... Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. is a health care segment of The Colbert Report which debuted on the May 7, 2007 edition of The Colbert Report. This segment is sponsored exclusively by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, a division of the Prescott Group. WARNING: MISSING THIS SEGMENT COULD KILL YOU! Topics Covered September 29, 2008 Germs * 283 different bacteria per in every square inch of the average car ** can get venereal disease in the back seat without a partner * the gearshift is the filthiest ** when driving, Dr. Colbert drinks coffee with one hand, Blackberrys with the other and what he uses to shift gears is classified at this time and probably not something you want to know * toilet seat has only 49 germs per square inch * Who's been crapping in our cars? * to clean your car, use Atomo Kleen, from Prescott Pharmaceuticals Heart Health * researchers discovered listening to classical music (like Mozart, not Wagner, he makes you want to invade Poland) will lower hypertension * Let's Give Physical, brought to you by Prescott Records Topics Covered May 29, 2008 ** Hydrating *** perchlorate * energy water ** Liquid Launch * it doesn't have one ingredient of rocket fuel; it has * side effects * involuntary narnia adventures * Pet Health ** Slentrol *** first FDA approved medicine for fat dogs * Vaxaslim Canine * warning do not confuse Vaxaslim Canine with Vaxaslim Human * Side Effects * Plastic Surgery ** surgeon wrote book My Beautiful Mommy *** beats Heather's Mommy Has Two Expressions Why Doesn't Mommy Love Me Enough To Get Beautiful? * side effects * Prescott: We sincerely apologize for that whole Zombie thing! Topics Covered on March 6, 2008 Brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals, Prescott Pharmaceuticals, you cannot spell The People versus Prescott Pharmaceuticals without Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Surgery * hospitals are running short on surgeons * Prescott Pharmaceuticals Heal Thyself Home Surgery Kit™ Heart Health * Pfizer pulling Lipitor commercial featuring Robert Jarvik, who isn't a doctor ** Stephen does not endorse Lipitor, he endorses Vaxator Topics Covered on October 1, 2007 NOTES The tingling tells you it's working; the class action lawsuit tells you it's Prescott. Sleep Science sleep while you work Long haul trucking operating bandsaw running for president Vaxasom mimics rufies mildly addictive Allow 8-12 hours for sleep and the next 8-12 weeks for rehab Weight Control memory assistance bratworst splits Vaxamax pixie stick that tastes like meat side effects: * vein seizures * aorta collapse * monkey lung Male Breasts Vaxamamm male breast reduction cream Side effects include: * Autonomous nipple * Wandering genital syndrome * Brain tooth good for what ails you and what ails you Topics Covered on August 16, 2007 Genetics Edition Gene Therapy Gene Therapy has very good Death-cheating possiblities. Best case scenario: synthetically modified DNA will cure diseases and reverse the aging process. Worst case scenario: prehensile noses. Gene therapy can even cure erectile dysfunction in mice. If you cannot afford gene therapy, Dr. Colbert recommends Vaxachub - the only virility aid made entirely from powdered mice. Blood Health Great news: genetics can not only help improve the Blood Health of dogs, but it can also help people who aren't a dog! Dr. Colbert has always said that blood is one of the most important things you can have in your veins. Gene therapy can help make sure it clots well so there will be no need to donate blood anymore and we can say goodbye to pretentious blood donors. If you cannot afford gene therapy, try Vaxascab. Topics Covered On The June 20, 2007 Edition Nutrition Kellogg's is raising the nutritional value of its food, which is the biggest shock to the cereal industry since Cap'n Crunch was demoted to Petty Officer Crunch for showing his "Crunch Berries." They will now market more food to adults, causing Apple Jacks to become Fiber Johns and Frosted Flakes to become Cholesterol Free Corn Shavings. They're...fine! Try new Vaxa-Smacks instead. Oral Hygiene Don't brush your teeth! You never know what you're putting in there (like antifreeze). To ensure you're not ingesting antifreeze, brush your teeth with Vaxa-Dream. Weight Loss The FDA has approved an over-the-counter weight loss pill called Alli, the most promising innovation since "The Cake Guard." Unpleasant side-effects of this drug include loose, greasy, smelly and otherwise uncontrollable and foul smelling bowel movements. To avoid these side effects, take Vaxadril. Topics Covered On The May 7, 2007 Edition Exercise Schools around America must replace Dance Dance Revolution with Awkward Showering in Front of Strangers Revolution. See Also Vaxadrin Nutrition Children's Health Topics Covered On The May 21, 2007 Edition Diet The Master Cleanse Detox diet is a sham. Dr. Colbert recommends The Pure Balogna Diet: Your Well Being Has A First Name!, by Thomas Boorshead, M.D. But if you really want to cleanse your body, Dr. Colbert recommends massive doses of [[Vaxadrine|Vaxadrin'e']]. Hair Loss Hair loss should not be dealt with. Baldness is given unto Man because God wants to look down at your scalp. However, if you must regrow hair, Dr. Colbert recommends oral or topical doses of [[Vaxadrine|Vaxadrin'e']]. Skull Health The skull is overrated, like wisdom teeth and the appendix bone, but if you are ever deskullified and intent on seeking medical attention, try [[Vaxadrine|Vaxadrin'e']] with Calcium. WARNING: VAXADRINE IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE Dr. Colbert's Slogan DISCLAIMER: Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. is not a licensed medical doctor. He is a doctor of fine arts. If you take Dr. Colbert's advice, your body is in danger of becoming a masterpiece. You may even end up in a museum. Footnotes